Document
FTM!Patrick/Anna, FTM!Patrick/Pete | 24267 words | R

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this story--even those based on real people--are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated...poorly. The following story contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be read by anybody.

( acknowledgements and notes. )

Warnings: This story briefly, non-explicitly mentions past self-harm.

One | Two | Three | Four | Five.

Art by evocatory: "A Brave Man." ♥♥♥

This is a DW-origin crospost, oh noes. Feel free to comment on LJ or the original post here.

Another entry!

1. I'm going to buy a new iPod on Saturday. I'm going to call it Patrick: Part Deux (yeah, it got old, but I like old jokes), and buy it a swank Clan jacket, 'cause I'm fuckin' classy like that.

(I bought the unravelling tapes shirt at BND:PD, because it was the very least ugly thing they had that would fit me, and I loved that shirt, okay, despite it still being pretty bloody ugly, and heather grey, which is a terrible colour on most people including me, and THEN. The laundry guy put it in with my BRIGHT RED "The Communist Party" shirt and now it's marbled sort of cotton candy!puke pink? Like that poor goddamn shirt needed more obstacles in life, after being manufactured ugly as fuck. Christ on a cracker. Probably I should be learning a class lesson from this, but mostly I'm just angry and sad.)

2. estrellada and I bleached/dyed bits of my hair last night. I don't know about this, guys. On the one hand, I can't take pictures to show you how and why I'm unsure about it, because it doesn't even show up in pictures. On the other hand, I think we left the bleach on too long and now parts of my hair are kind of teal, which is so many universes of unwanted, oh my god. But hey, I have hats. And it will grow back the same old boring brown it was before, so no worries. Also, probably mixing the blue and red or something might look better. Who knows! The world of temporary dyes is labyrinthine and mysterious to me.

3. Does anybody have the uncropped version of ( this old FOB photo? )

4. HIIIIIIIIIIII. I HAD COFFEE TODAY AND DIDN'T SLEEP VERY WELL LAST NIGHT. BYEEEEEEEEEEE.

1. I want to see this movie where Johnny Depp robs banks. Like, a lot. I would probably go see it instead of seeing STXI for a sixth time, in fact (Rafael and I watched The Bourne Supremacy last night, lol Karl Urban. I kept making, "Dammit, I'm an assassin, not a doctor!"-style jokes, because I'm awesome like that. "Russia is corruption and strippers wrapped in concrete and snow." Etc.).

2. I submitted my summary for genderbendbb. There's not really a lot to say about that (it's a pretty awful summary, even for me), but I am making the O.O face right now, fyi.

3. Craving Chinese or Thai, seriously. We tried to have Chinese last night, but the place we like over on Columbia was closed for the holiday, which ALWAYS HAPPENS when we try to go there without the 'rents, ugh. Anyway.


GBBB: 14696/30000 28000, loooooool. eta: I'm bad at math, whatever.

1. Okay, fine, Adam Lambert is awesome. Whatever. He's still not the gay messiah.

2. During tonight's coding adventures, I found this scrap of odd from when I was actively spewing out Sports Night fic--"Roar, Roar, the Thunder and the Roar." It's second person POV Dan/Natalie set late s2, and I don't even know. It used to have strategically-placed capitals, fyi. (There was a time when I was capable of making even less sense as a writer!!! Shocking!)

3. I don't know, guys. I watched Good Will Hunting last night, and I wish people would remind me not to do that when I'm depressed. Bleh, stupid Matt Damon, et al. (I think Dogma might be the antidote to GWH, by the way. In case you were wondering. Unfortunately, I don't have that on DVD.)

4. I have to get going on "Document" for the genderbendbb. People should comment with FTM!Patrick prompts. You never know, it might help. Hope springs, etc.

"your art is controlled by people who do not care about art."

Subliminal text embedded in this video. I find it honestly adorable how they're all ~artists now. Like, claiming it as an identity.

Anyway. "Document" won the Poll On Unfinished Works, so now I have to finish it. Fuck you, democracy. I'm going to look like 2001!Bill Clinton when this is over, aren't I?

Trans!Pete is called "One Today And Tomorrow Another," stolen from this poem by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a Lutheran martyr. I was clicking around Wikipedia and stuff and found it, and that line caught me by the wrist. Idk. I'd originally wanted this story to be more about trans sexuality, etc., but it's turned into something about perception and bodies and identity and trans as a mental health issue. There's still a little porn, though.

Hey, how about I write instead of talking about it all the time. Awesome plan. Bed first.

I haven't posted actual fic in a long time. I feel bad about that.

This post is Not Safe For Work. "Document"-verse, post-disclosure. *thumbs up*

( tp/pbs doesn't stand for toilet paper/peanut butter & jam sandwiches. )

*

I don't actually feel better now, but hopefully you do?

Ever randomly read comments where people are talking about you(/poking holes in your fic) and want to jump in and explain all the problems they're pointing out? A month after the original comments? And also be like: wow, I need to start putting a "please be all condescending and sceptical about my writing to my face, thanks!" thing in my headers (such as they are).

Welcome to my today! It's magical. (I link for context's sake, and context's sake alone.)

( in which i accidentally explain everything, and overuse italics and parentheses. as usual. with bonuf writting meta. )

So. Yes. If something I write smells funny, fucking say it to my face so we can talk about it, or so I can think about it. Don't you want my italics and parentheses in ur comints? Plus, it might make me a better writer. Who can complain about that! Besides people who don't want me to write at all, haha.

Lastly: dragking!Patrick icon, or "Pete's a symbolic interactionist!" icon? Or split the difference with the trannychaser one. DECISIONS DECISIONS.

1. Happy belated birthday to adellyna. I suck at birthdays!

2. Happy actual birthday to sofiaviolet. I hope it is lovely!

3. Also happy actual birthday to my brother from another mother, estrellada--the Pete in my Patrick, the Dean in my Sam, the soy in my vanilla latte, the gold sparkles in my dildo. She is in California right now, but will be home tonight! I am picking her up from the airport, yay! Please don't die in a fiery crash, Tilleh!

( prezint! from 'document'! )

Today is my last non-notice-given day at work. By lunchtime on Monday, everyone will hate me. I'm not sure if I care or not.

The end!

Mah Tilleh, she so funny.

azurejay: I think Patrick has to tell Pete The Tragic Tale Of His First Dick (A Story Of Lime Jello And Pantyhose).
estrellada: "And then it burst."

"No."

"Yes."

---

Anyway. The actual way Pete didn't find out Patrick is trans. Rejected for dead-ending, excessive angst/anger, and bad dialogue. Please note: I don't know what driver's licenses look like in Illinois (I am a bad writer).

( undocu--oh. um. off the record? )

One day the incessant posting of snippets will end (and Gabe will throw the party. And Pete will wear an overcoat). I think I'm about halfway done now. Really, it's only thirty-five pages and 13K. Barely a drabble! Kill me now.


PS: Have not yet purchased my Cobra tickets. It's going to have to wait until Saturday. OH WELL I don't think they'll sell out.

So I'm trying to find the "Pete Wentz is T-Rex" icons. For estrellada. I know they are by beingothrwrldly, but I don't know where they are. My kingdom for awesome brains always coming with a sense of user friendliness.

Also: Pete?

Lastly, I'm writing a scene in "Document" where Patrick needs to relieve himself on the road (in the van), and nobody gives him any sympathy except for Andy (because I am really all right with perpetuating the "Andy as emotional anchor" trope), and it reads as much more harrowing than the "Anna et al. almost get bashed after a show!" scene, which is just. Weird. And probably says something awful about me. Or Patrick.

Trans!Patrick sometimes comes across as a bit of an asshole. I'm okay with this, 'cause people are assholes sometimes, and transpeople are people too. Patrick's got issues around queerness and sex. He's got internalised trans- and homophobia and trouble empathising with the problems of less fortunate transfolk (since he has the Best Possible Life of supportive family/healthcare providers/education professionals, seemingly unlimited funds, good genes, and somewhat oblivious friends). He's oversensitive about his masculinity and his worth as a man. He's mean sometimes. Sometimes he has a good reason. Other times--well. His temper comes from canon, so.

I don't know why I needed to share that, but I did. I can has character statements (and other creative writing exercises)?

Oh hi.

Trans!Patrick? Follows this bit (The One With The Sex Toy Catalogue).

( um. minor surgical scarring kink ahead? )

If anybody wants to tell me what they think (wrt: hotness, as well as technical and plot things), honestly and directly, that'd be awesome.

Was in a car accident on Friday night. I'm fine, the Trohmobile is not, it was my fault, I'm sorry forever and ever to the three young women in the other car (who were probably emo fangirls of some sort; they were wearing the uniform, okay).

Anyway, it sucks because not only all the normal car accident stuff, but I'm having trouble typing for extended periods (say, more than twenty minutes). Which BLAH because I've made some actual wordcount progress and a ton of process progress on "Document" and I kind of want to figure out how the structure of the tour montages is going to work and I want to get to the part where Patrick discloses to Andy and Joe.

(Andy is like, "Oh, what? Do I care where your nads are? No, that's Pete's job," and Joe has pronoun terror for a month, and he and Pete obsess over making venues trans-inclusive and it's all very hilarious--"GENDER NEUTRAL BATHROOMS OR BUST!" And Andy reads something about high rates of reproductive cancers in transguys and everyone gangs up on Patrick to make him go to the girlparts doctor. "Nad cancer is baaaaaad, Patrick!" And, you know, the madsadbad where Pete keeps bugging Patrick to come out and Patrick is like, "Fuck you, I broke up with Anna over that shit, do you want in my pants or not?" Keywords: commodification, Pete is out of parts of his own life to sell, internalised transphobia, privacy, porn).

Also, of course, not being able to type makes my job hard. Right.

This one time, I was on the SkyTrain with estrellada, and we were talking about fic and her fic (which she will finish, oh yes she will, especially since I just figured out what the "downward-facing dog--style" thing means! Go my brain), and she was all hopped up on muscle relaxants and saying random honest shit, like: "I think the problem with FTPatrick is that you have all these disparate threads--Patrick's trans narrative, and Patrick and Anna's relationship, and Patrick and Pete's, um, friendship, and the band narrative, and also Patrick's sexuality. You're like writing a novel, dude."

And, internally, I was like: "Aw fuck. Not again. Why do I keep doing that?"

Because I DO. I accidentally start novels all the time, and I do not have the wherewithal, the skillz, or the attention span to finish them, especially once I realise what I've gotten myself into.

My ideas are bigger than my stomach, I guess. Possibly I need to get maself teh skillz. Because I'm tired of leaving things hanging.

1. Dude, did "Lord Knows" get recced somewhere recently? Because my count thingy has been racking up the hits like mad all weekend.

2. I had minor tinhat angst after reading about Saturday's YWT show. I didn't know I was really That Crazy. I'm okay now, which is good. Yay Patrick has a girlfriend! I kind of hope her name is not Alicia, because wow. That might drive Pete a little more insane.

3. Though if her name was Alicia, we could call them Palicia. That would make me very, very happy. It sounds like a puppy's name, guys.

4. Normally I hate pairing nicknames. No, really. A lot. But I guess Patrick gets an Exception on everything.

5. Anyway. I had an anxiety attack yesterday evening, and then my brain exploded with ideas for "Document," so. It is all very stupid and annoying.

6. Speaking of which, the story is now fucking 8600 words (the same length as "Lord Knows"), and maybe half done. Maybe. Probably more like a third. What the hell, man.

7. On the other hand, I do often consider complaining about how there's hardly any really long fic in bandom. Maybe this could be the one time I bitch and then actually do something about it. HMM.

8. Still regarding "Document"--I'm going to do a separate Srs Biznis post along with the story post, explaining how Patrick has the Best Possible Life for a transperson. Really, it is very much not "realistic" in that fandom conception of "realistic," which usually actually more closely resembles a Lifetime movie than reality. There is no arbitrary Bad Guy who doesn't get it and is mean to Patrick. There is no family alienation. There is no prostitution because he can't afford his T (though I would have no problem with someone else writing this, plsthx). Anyway, the point of the thing is to hit people with a cluebrick that you don't have to ADD ANGST to transfic. It is inherent, because the world is currently a pretty shitty place for people who don't conform to the binary, and even if you have the Best Possible Life, it's still kind of sucky.

Um. /soapbox

9. Palicia.

eta: 10. I can't believe it took me like ten minutes to realise I should use my "hustlers ftw!" icon on this post. Geez.

A snippet of FTPatrick, post-disclosure.

( you could wear it on stage! )

There's something missing from the last bit, but I'm just not sure what.

Annoying: I have written the "Patrick visits Pete in the hospital after the Ativan OD Incident" scene, but the story it's for is not done and maybe never will be (Patrick's side of "Lord Knows"--I am nothing if not predictable and self-indulgent); and now, I have to write it again for "Document."

Fortunately, the connotations of the scene in each story are wildly divergent. It's just hard coming up with different ways to describe stuff, and I put so much of my personal canon into the original scene that--I dunno. It's HARD, okay.

Acting lyk ur a gud writter is rly rly hard, guys. Srsly, guys. Rly hard.

eta: DUDE! How did I not know Northwestern was in Chicago? Gah! Now I really, really want bandom/Sports Nght mash-up shenanigans.

I just saved and closed and stepped away from the working file for "Document" after wrestling with it for three days, trying to fit it around and into a frame, make it look like a "real story." (Patrick is A Real Boy!)

I was re-reading a scene where Patrick basically says to Pete, "You can't understand this. I can't tell you anything that would help you understand. You can't understand." And I realised I was trying to do to the story all the things the world does to--well. You get the idea, I'm sure.

There shouldn't be any wrestling--the things that are easy to write are the things that belong. And if something's hard to write now and easy in a week, well, that's cool too.

So I apologised to the story (to myself, really) and I'm taking the night off from it. We maybe need some time apart, after spending the last three weeks in each other's pockets.

(There's a difference between understanding and compassion; the former is not requisite to the latter.)

The working file for "Document" has suddenly doubled in size, and contains almost-porn. Sadly, I forgot to Google Docs it, so I can't work on it today.

It's kind of funny; whenever I set out to write a pairing, I end up smacking into this brick wall with "GEN" painted on it in enormous letters, and whenever I try to write gen, I keep tripping over gopher holes filled with porn. I don't know. My brain!

That is all!

This is ancient. I wrote it when my ex was going to write FTM!Patrick and I was trying to help. Or something.

Let us consider this "One Of The Ways Pete Didn't Find Out Patrick Is Trans." I post because I can't use it in the universe I'm building myself, and because I'm not writing the story she and I talked about a hundred times.

So. To set it up: Patrick informed Pete he'd be taking some time off. Pete was angry, mostly because Patrick wouldn't tell him why he wanted time off. Gr argh. They had a fight.

Undocumented
(Patrick, Pete. PG13 for language. Goes with "Document," vaguely.)

( one of the ways pete didn't find out. )

The procedure in question is what's referred to as top surgery. Just fyi.

Document
(Patrick - PG13, 679 words.)

Dis.: Lies, damn lies. Though Patrick did say it was okay, as long no one forgets to mention that he's obsessed with Prince.
Ack.: You know who you are. If you read this, I hope you like it.
A/N: Possibly this is the start of something. I don't do WIPs, so pretend this is it for now.

( the one where patrick is not a girl. )